Unrequited and Misunderstood
I knew in that moment, staring down the darkened road of my former existence, that my broken soul had finally shattered. Fragmented shards scattered and sparkling on the velvet black curtain in my heart of infinite frailty. Damn my humanity and its weak shell. I thought once I could cast it away; become ignorant of her blood that pumped through my hanyou veins. Staring down the shaft of my death, I realized that I would never be able to separate the two halves. Now this woman with despair and hatred shining so vibrantly in her eyes once represented all I had ever longed for. A chance to embrace my own humanity and cast away my father's youkai. Someone to love me and a person to end my days of loneliness. She was everything to me. My salvation. Where had it went so very wrong? Why had she betrayed me when she had finally broken down my walls of distrust? Those dark eyes were now so full of contempt for my life.
I knew in that moment, staring at the disillusioned dream of my future, that my tortured spirit would finally find release. Rivers of blood trickled warmly down my arm yet it held steady the weapon of my deliverance. Damn my humanity and my birth as a miko of light. I had once thought to cast it away; become ignorant of the charge entrusted to these two hands. Staring down the shaft of this flaring arrow I realized that I could never separate his two halves. Never could we live together as husband and wife for one could not hope to bind two worlds that differed so much from one another. All I had wished for was a chance to become an ordinary woman free from the constraints of great responsibility. To heal the suffering that mirrored in our eyes. I could not deny the need so prevalent as when I first glimpsed his beautiful face and yet now I find it has crumbled so pitifully at our feet. Why did have to end like this? I had only had our best interests in mind. Those amber eyes staring back back at me flashed angrily with contempt for my life.
Stretching the string with the limited strength left in my numb limbs I cried out him in despair hoping to reach him with the tone in my voice. Hoping that he could read between the lines; search through my sorrowful accusation and find my hidden meaning as I prepared to fire.
“Die Inuyasha!” Even the words held no truth now for even in his darkest moment I had not the heart to kill him. Seal him I would. My last act as a miko would be to place him in an eternal slumber and keep him far away from the pain and suffering he had already lived a lifetime with. For as much as I wanted to hold him in contempt for his actions, I found I could not.
Watching as his eyes widened with disbelief as the tip pierced through his chest I could only fall to my knees, unable to call out for him again. Blood loss from the wounds inflicted by his once comforting hands left my throat closed off. I wanted to sob for my forgiveness. Ask why he had betrayed me. The last I saw was his hard piercing glare being covered by dropping eyelids. It was done. Finally over.
“Nee-chan!” The soft and anguished call of my dear sweet Kaede rushed through my body. Would she too hold contempt for what I was unable to do? An honourable miko should have called for his death but my heart pleaded for his life. A compromise of unknown consequence had been formed moments before I fired my final arrow.
“Kaede, burn the Shikon no Tama with my body. Send it with me to the world beyond this.” I had to at least finish my job and continue to protect the purity of this jewel. I could not let it taint any more unfortunate souls. I would learn from this experience. The jewel was dark and greedy. No good could ever come from wishing on it. Now I welcome the calming embrace of the blackness. The solitude and peace in a place far from the travesties and tribulations once witnessed in a world of light and colour. Grateful for an end at last.
I knew in that moment, staring at the struggling fate of my future, that my searching had finally been sated. Energy and heat sparked between the two of us and although those predatory amber globes glared at me with such contempt, I held hope in this boy. Years later I would remember that for the briefest of moments, somewhere deep inside I thought I felt I had once known this man. Perhaps in a life long past. That feeling had vanished the moment the jewel had burst forth from my side. It had taken me years to bring down the barriers he had painstakingly erected around his fragile heart. Years to understand that initial look he had bestowed upon me; that cold and terrifying stare that had sent shivers straight to my very core. An understanding had developed for the meaning of the loneliness in his fragmented soul that so often reflected through those soft eyes.
A momentary misunderstanding between two broken people that had led to far to much suffering. In that moment, pinned to the tree with him so many years before, I made a silent vow to heal the hurt that seeped forth from his human heart to fulfill an unknown plea that was constantly crying deep within my own psyche. No, that wasn't right. I always knew where that plea originated. A piece of my being that left momentarily to mobilize a empty shell of earth and clay. It had been her need all along, still begging for forgiveness and longing for his happiness. A miko of compassion and strength that shared a intimate portion of my life. Without her I would have never had the opportunity to finish her wish. And it was in that moment of realization, starring at the father of my children, that I felt the surge of her peace and happiness vibrating in her own secret spot deep within the boundaries of my heart.