Date: January 20, 2008 6:19 pm
Chapter number: 1
Title: Unfold Me
Good start so far. The format is a little hard to read, though. I'm not sure if you're new to fanfics or not, so please don't take this as an insult if you already know this!
I know when you are writing a book, you must use proper indentation. In fanfics, though, you usually won't see any indentations. We start at the beginning of the line, like I have so far in my review. Also, make sure you italicize character's thoughts. It helps the reader see the difference between the story itself and when the character is lost in thought. One last tidbit...when you switch scenes, like when the scene switched from Kagome to Miroku, you should break that apart somehow. You could use a line break, or just *** between the end of the previous scene and the start of the next.
This story has a lot of potential, and I can't wait to keep reading the rest!